My donkeys can fart more intelligence than anyone working for the NBN possesses in their brains. Dealing with the NBN Co. is like bashing your head against a brick wall – except a brick wall has a slightly higher IQ than NBN employees.

We’re in a Fixed Wireless NBN area, right? Only that “The Map”, the holy bible of NBN ideology that predetermines all things this fucking useless organisation does, says that we’re in a “shadow” and can’t be connected.

Here’s the thing… a few months back Telstra had to replace our phone line, which needed a new trench dug for about 200 metres. The Telstra guy came out and he was keen to avoid the cost. So he stood on our front decking and waved a few things around in the air and was ecstatic to tell me, “Hey, you can get the NBN  here.” It could cheaply replace the landline.

Because the decking is five metres off the ground, right? The NBN bloody “Map To End All Maps” is based on ground-level topology.

Two weeks later a ditch-witch arrived and dug the 200 metre trench anyway. Odd, but go figure. That’s Telstra for you (apparently). We’re now firmly connected to the ageing, failing copper-in-the-ground internet which has never been properly maintained, because we were told with every break-down,   “Don’t worry, the NBN is coming”. Our download speeds improve slightly if you stick a fucking postage stamp on the computer screen. And turn off the refrigerator.

Then, a little while later, the guy who fixes TV antennae and (read this bit slowly) is one of the local, NBN contractors for installing the NBN, was standing on our roof and fixing the antennae (so we can watch the Dockers lose every game of the fucking football season). We discussed Foxtel and satellite dishes in general, then he says, “But hey, you can get the NBN here”.  He’d detected a strong enough signal.

Because on the roof he was about eight metres above the ground, okay? Later, he suggested I call the NBN and request a proper signal test, because he can’t do anything more without the required paperwork.

You can guess what’s happened. I’ve been swapping countless emails with the NBN’s customer service/complaints Noddys – otherwise known as The Zoo of Dumbfucks. Do you think they can understand a simple concept? That their own contractor tells me I can connect to the NBN, because of the elevation of the house.

“No way,” NBN says. “Computer says No”. More importantly, the fucking Map of NBN Religious Internet Dogma says we’re outside the “boundary”.  It probably shows the location of the Holy Grail, Noah’s Ark and the dude who really shot JFK. Reliable shit like that.

Some cockless, amoeba-brained simpleton in Brisbane, sitting on a fitness ball (no doubt) and dreaming of working for Google, is adamant that  their computer-based information is more accurate than someone actually standing on our roof  (or our decking) and measuring the signal.

This federal government is all about “innovation”. No one explained that included employing a bunch of stunted, half-wit Rhesus monkeys as Customer Service personnel at NBN. You would expect that anyone with enough intelligence to reply to an email might, God forbid, apply some commonsense  to our situation and think, “That’s worth checking out”. Instead, even though my latest emails have asked – not for a connection test – but simply for the contact details of whoever needs their arse kicked until it shits the 1000Gb data limit I can’t possibly use, the stock answer is, “Thanks for your feedback. The case is closed”.

“Skymuster?” I hear you say. But I’m signed up for a broadband plan with Telstra that it can’t deliver. Why should I pay for a third-party satellite service before all Telstra options are ruled out – and that means a straightforward  NBN signal test as recommended by their own contractor? That’s all I’m asking for – a signal test.

At the moment it would be hard for me to imagine anything more incompetent, inflexible, mindlessly stubborn and just plain  fucking stupid than NBN right now – and I’ve been calling Centrelink lately about my mum’s pension. Centrelink needs a Suicide Prevention hotline of its own just to deal with people trying to get Centrelink to answer the fucking phone.

Obviously, even Telstra couldn’t convince NBN to run a test (instead of digging the cable trench). What hope have I got?

Oh, I haven’t even started yet.